


Heavy

by saving_grace44



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-18 21:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20646101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saving_grace44/pseuds/saving_grace44
Summary: Phone calls after losses.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read with or without my first piece. They are the same verse, but don’t need each other to make sense. I am hoping to post the start of a multi fic within this first, but focusing on a different aspect of their relationship soon.

It was a bad habit, which was rare for Christen who prided herself on living her life on the up and up, taking care of her body, listening to the newest health trends, and generally living well, but this particular bad habit was in order to ground herself in these situations and be the best girlfriend she could. Usually, she wouldn’t even look at her phone within an hour of going to bed, knowing the blue light would impede her REM cycles and throw off her circadian rhythm. Something she reminded her girlfriend of constantly as they lay in their Portland apartment, Christen with a book and Tobin with her nose in her Switch, playing yet another round of Mario Kart.

“Love, your brain is going to be spinning for the next two hours. You should really let your mind rest, so your body can follow suit.”

Tobin had her tongue between her teeth, “Mmhmm, just one more lap. It’s Rainbow Road!” 

The raven haired girl couldn’t help but smile as she watched how intently her partner was focused in on her video game. She just planted a kiss on Tobin’s exposed shoulder, and got back to her reading. Shaking her head at the antics of her 31 girlfriend, going on 13.

Now, she found herself lying in a hotel bed, drifting in and out of sleep, with her phone clutched tightly in her hands. The striker had arrived in Houston a day before her teammates. Laura allowed her to take off after Tuesday’s training, so she could do some work for “Re” and meet them in time for pre game training on Thursday.  
The rest of her teammates were taking a very late flight from Salt Lake City after film and recovery, and joining her at the same hotel. She was roommates with Becky, feeling lucky to be surrounded by the calmness of their captain for the weekend.

But, now she felt anything but calm. Anxiety flushed her system after watching the Thorns get routed by the Courage. Christen racks her mind for the last time an NWSL game had been that lopsided, especially by the two top teams. Beyond that, she is trying to remember the last time Tobin looked as despondent as she did on the field. When the ball was at her feet, she seemed to have a little spark, but Christen knew her more than anyone else. Something wasn’t right. Which is why Christen allowed herself to break her phone rule, keeping that small thing clutched in her hand, on loud, so she could be there whenever Tobin needed. They had a rule that after a loss whoever played the game had to reach out first, giving one another whatever space and time they needed to process. This particular night Tobin was taking extra long, which didn’t surprise Christen, but didn’t make it any better.

A single vibrate pulls her from her thoughts, and quickly slides her phone open to a text message.

Emily Sonnett 12:05 AM: I tried to get her off the pitch and in the showers as soon as I could. It was just one of those games…

Christen’s heart clenched at the text from the younger defender. Emily was always good about taking care of Tobin after games, and letting Christen in on tough moments. 

To Emily Sonnett 12:06 AM: Thanks, Em. She’s a big girl, but sometimes she needs a nudge in the right direction. Don’t wait around. She will find her way home.

Emily Sonnett 12:06 AM: I think her home is in a random hotel in Houston right now. ;) Night Pressy. Love you lots.

Again her heart clenched.

To Emily Sonnett 12:07 AM: xoxo

It wasn’t long until her phone vibrated again, but this time longer, stronger vibrations. 

Incoming Call: THP 143

“Tobin” she breathed.

A very sullen “Hi” came through the receiver. Christen couldn’t help but notice the loud echo reverberating in her ear.

“Where are you my love?”

“Leaving the stadium.”

Christen pictured Tobin slowly dragging herself through the tunnels, hand dragging across the concrete of the walls, somberly finding her way to the street level of the stadium, before taking the routine route back to their apartment. There were times that Christen loved that Tobin could walk to and from work, but nights like tonight the idea of Tobin getting lost in an aimless wander filled her mind.

“I can call you a car…” she offered, quietly.

A small scoff, which was almost a laugh came from Tobin “Chris, I’m okay. I can walk home. It’s like 5 blocks. We lost, it’s not the end of the world. Well, I mean, we were truly fucking abysmal, but no one broke my legs, so walking shouldn’t be an issue.”

The striker pinched the bridge of her nose, “Sorry, I know you are perfectly able of going home. I just want to help. I just, I don’t know…”

“You always help.”

Now it was Christen’s turn to scoff, “By fumbling over my words, trying to find the right ones to make you feel better?”

Tobin exhaled, and Christen heard the tell tale sounds of Portland traffic and knew Tobin was truly on her way home. “You never ask me how the game went. You just let me live in it.”

“It’s not really up to me to tell you how the game went. I just love watching you play, how you play, how the team plays, who you play, all that doesn’t really matter to me. If you’re on the field, I am going to love it. Plus, I trust your judgement. You know how you played, you don’t need me to tell you.” 

“That’s how you help. You let me be and then the next day you help me move on.”

“I just wish I could be with…”

“Same.” Tobin caught her off quickly, not ready to open that can of worms. They both knew the limitations to their situation. They weren’t as lucky as Ashlyn or Ali or even Sue and Megan, so they didn’t focus on it. 

“So, tell me Miss. Heath” Christen said quickly reading the dynamic and changing the subject, “How are your spirits?”

Her girlfriend giggles into the phone, remembering this question well “I wish I could say super duper. But right now, I feel a little heavy. It’s a tough stretch coming up.”

Christen knew the girl wasn’t talking about her soccer schedule, but about their schedule. Every season they sync their calendars and plan their rendezvous’ always colored red in their shared calendar and neither were looking forward to this stretch of time. Full of every color but red.

“I felt heavy in the game, too. Like my mind was everywhere but the pitch.”

Christen hums in response, respecting Tobin’s thought process.

“It’ll pass. Just need to persevere. It’s nothing we didn’t sign up for.”

“It’s not permanent, T. In a few weeks the playoff schedule will be set. We just need to focus on our clubs, celebrate in our moments together, continue to push the growth of the company, and then before you know it will we will have a month together before camp call ups, and then maybe we will have all those qualifiers in January.”

“Christen…” Tobin almost chastises “Camp isn’t an “if”. We will both be called up.”

“That’s not the point, Tobin. We’ve talked about it. I am okay, either way. Do I want another shot at the Olympics? More than you know, but I have made peace with everything, any way it happens. I have my two World Cup championships, I have the goal against England, I have the equal pay fight, we have the company. I have accomplished more than I could ever dream. Plus, I have you. You are worth more than all of it combined. So, I’m okay.”

She hadn’t meant to lose herself in that way. She wanted this to be about Tobin.

“You’re nuts. I just need to say it one time. Nuts to think any new coach wouldn’t want you on that front line. You’ve proven yourself time and time again as not only an executionist, but now the most dynamic distributor on the team. Soon, you’ll be taking way my corners. You’re incredible, baby, and the more seasoned you get the more dangerous. I am not going to entertain the idea of the Olympics without you by my side.”

Christen can’t help but blush, “I don’t want to talk about this, Tobin. I want to talk about you and make sure you’re okay.”

A whoosh of wind came through the phone and a faint “Hi, Jimmy!”

Tobin was home. 

“Hey, Chris, I am about to get on the elevator. I know it’s really late, but can I FaceTime you after I get situated upstairs.”

Christen’s eyes fell on the clock. 12:28 stared back at her. The team was meant to arrive at 1 AM, and they got a long sleep in before their 3 PM walk through.

“Of course, love.”

2 days later.

She knew it was a rash decision, but after seeing the game she knew she had to do something. She surprised herself with the frustration seeping through her body as she watched the shit storm unfold in front of her. She could never understand how coaches didn’t understand how to utilize Christen better. While she dominates that 11 spot for the national team, she should be a target forward with freedom to roam on any team in the league. She can’t assist herself and having her spray perfect balls in Katie Stengel didn’t make much sense. Tobin knew it wasn’t fair for her to think these things, and there were coaches for a reason, but she wanted to badly to see her girlfriend smile on that pitch and tonight it never came.

Tobin watched bad ball after bad ball be lofted towards her girlfriend, and saw the ensuing slump in the striker’s foward every time she couldn’t make a miracle out of it. But what surprised her most was when she stopped making efforts to wrangle them. She knew when Chris stopped making runs, stopped trying to make something out of nothing that the forward had all but checked out.

Something is wrong. This isn’t her usual playing for the joy of it self. Tobin watched the self doubt, the pressure, the incessant self chatter creep back onto the pitch and find her girlfriend. It was never more evident than when Christen misfit her free kick and mimed how it was supposed to go. How she meant it to go. Before running her hands over her face and through her hair.

So here she was sitting and waiting, as her phone began to buzz in her hand. Her heart beat faster as she saw Christen’s name pop up. Tobin was surprised she was calling this early, it usually took her a little longer to get out of the stadium. She never wanted to disappoint a fan.

“Hi, baby” she cooed quietly with her hand around her mouth, trying to eliminate any background noise.

“I needed to hear your voice, if only for a minute, I haven’t even showered yet. I still should go back out and do some signing, and Laura wants me to do media. How can I even face the media when that is the performance I gave. Fucking embarrasing. Ugh. I’m sorry, I just needed you.” Tobin could hear the sadness in her girlfriends voice.

“I’ll give you as many minutes as you have. I love you, Christen.”

“I love you, too, Tobin.”

“When do you all leave?”

“They chartered us a flight, since we have the game on Wednesday, so umm I guess we will land in Salt Lake around midnight our time? I could be off, my brain is too full to do the time exchange”

Tobin glances at the nearest clock which reads 7 PM...perfect.

“Okay, so you will be on the plane pretty soon after everything you do at the stadium then.”

Christen sighs “I guess so.”

Tobin can’t help but tear up at her loved ones defeated tone, “How are you spirits, baby?”

A simple answer followed her question.

“Heavy.”

Silence occupied their space. Neither knowing what or why to say anything. Just listening to each other breathe was enough.

Christen broke the silence, “I should go, T. I will text you when we get to the airport and call you before bed, okay?”

“That sounds perfect, Chris. I will be waiting for you. I love you beyond compare.”

“I love you, Tobs.”

The line disconnected and Tobin slowly tucked her phone into her pocket and exhaled. There was more to say, more to talk about, more to unpack, but right now she just needed to concentrate on her presence and the choice she made.

Ladies and gentlemen we are now boarding our first class cabin for Flight 2549 to Salt Lake City.

Tobin stood up and gathered her things. Time to make Christen feel a little lighter.


	2. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second and final installment. Christen comes home from Houston.

Christen was quiet on the plane ride home from Houston. Well, frankly, everyone was quiet. Even Corsie and Erika’s conversation was limited to a hushed whisper, and scattered giggles. Amy barely made eye contact with anyone, eyes glued out of the plane window. The vibe was low. This game, for all intents and purposes, was a must win. They at least needed a point, and instead they were returning home empty handed. And, now they needed the Reign to split or lose on Saturday against the Spirit to stay in fourth place. The thrill of having a chartered flight would have been much more palpable if they were heading home with three points and a little breathing room in the standings. 

For the first time, in a long time, Christen was feeling really down about her production. Nothing clicked on the field, and that hadn’t happened to her since she returned from the World Cup. It really hadn’t happened to her all of 2019. Things seemed to be firing on all cylinders for her this year, for club and country, especially now. She was trying to best to focus on the anomaly of it all, but she wasn’t immune to the buzz happening around her. While she tried to avoid all speculation that involved her play, her future, and her ability, it was difficult being fully entrenched in this world and not seeing any of it…

“Unless Kerr scores an obscene number of goals, my vote would be Press for MVP…”  
“If Utah can pull off a play off, Press is a shoe in for MVP…”  
“The decision to go to Rapinoe in the final might have been because of Press’ history of being unproductive in big moments…”  
“Winning the MVP and bringing Utah to their first ever playoffs would all but secure Press a spot on the Olympic squad, maybe even put her in contention for a starting spot if Morgan doesn’t return to form…”  
“She’s having fun, her team is winning games they weren’t winning without her, she has been the best international since the World Cup break…”  
“Is an injured Rapinoe better than a healthy Press? No. But it could have been a decision determined by mental toughness…”

Headlines, quotes, and click bait swim through her mind, as she tries to focus on feeling her fingers connect to her palm and her toes connect to her foot. Doing her best to focus her breath on her body’s center and expanding out to her limbs. Focusing on being present, setting her mind on something different. In and out goes her breath, focusing on calm energy, focusing on clarity. Trying to escape the mine field of the pitch, the pressure of the moment, and relax. Whatever she tried was failing to work, and her eyes popped open in annoyance, as she sighed and let her head fall back against her head rest.

“Pressie?” She heard Becky’s quiet voice pull her out of her thoughts. “Are you okay?”

Christen turned and gave her friend a small smile, “Yeah, Becks, just can’t get my mind right. Frustrated, ya know?”

“You’re telling me. Here let me get something to distract you.” Becky leans over into her bag and Christen can’t imagine what she is about to pull out. Probably some crazy fantasy novel about aliens or the apocalypse, and that truly is not Christen’s cup of tea.

“Becky, really it’s okay. I can just plug in and listen to some music. That usually works...” her voice trailed off slightly.

Before she can say another word, Becky is thrusting a book of crosswords and pen into her hands, “I always find that concentrating on words I can never guess makes my own words come easier. Just try it and if you find yourself wanted to talk, let me know.” After giving the striker a reassuring smile, Becky dives back into her own. 

Christen smiles at her friend. It’s comforting having someone like Becky with her on both the National team and with club. The center back is very grounded, reserved, and determined to be quietly great. Christen has such respect for those qualities and strives to be more like that herself, but sometimes it’s hard when her skill set is so tailored for the limelight, even if her personality really isn’t. 

Shockingly, Christen finds herself enjoying the crossword puzzle. Not shockingly, Becky mostly does the hard puzzles in the back, so the younger woman got to try her luck with some of the more approachable puzzles in the beginning. She actually finds her mind getting lost in the squares and words, when Becky’s voice drags her back. 

“It’s hard being away from her, huh?” The defender has closed her book and is looking at her teammate with knowing eyes. 

Christen exhales, “Its that obvious, huh?”

“It is for someone who has been through it.”

Now it’s Christen’s turn to look at her teammate knowingly, “You and Z?”

“Mmhmm” Becky ran her fingers through her long blonde hair, “It was kind of weird, it started getting really bad after we had already been together for a while. I assumed by that point I would just be used to it, but when I first moved from KC to Salt Lake, it got really hard to be away from him.” Christen always forgets that Becky and Z are basically in the same situation as she and Tobin, and it seems like Becky knows almost exactly what Christen is feeling. 

“That’s how I’m feeling, too. I mean, Tobin and I are closer distance wise than we ever have been, but it feels like we’ve never been further apart.” She takes a deep breath, “It hurts my heart, Becks.” 

A calming hand lands on her thigh, “It just means it’s real. I realized that feeling the way I did and being so secure in our relationship meant something big. Like forever kind of big. Being away from your forever is really hard.”

“How does it get better?”

“Ahh, well I am not saying this is exactly what you and Tobin are going through, but Z and I talked about it. We named the feeling and made a plan. A plan we are comfortable with.”

“A forever plan” Christen wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. 

Becky blushes, “something like that. Talk to Tobin, you might be pleasantly surprised at what the conversation brings.”

Christen nods as Becky turns back to her book and she reopens to her unfinished crossword. It’s not soon until Becky speaks up again. 

“26 down is asp, by the way.”

Christen giggles and scratches in the answer. 

Not an hour later, the team is saying quiet goodbyes at the airport, as they all head home for the night and looking forward to a day off tomorrow. Christen saddles her bag from the carousel and turns to find her roommate, Rachel Corsie, waiting for her at the doors. 

“Alright, Pressie?” Her friend asks with an arm outstretched, and Christen tucks herself against her friends chest, as Rachel drapes her arm around the smaller girls shoulder. 

“Yeah, Rach, lets get home.”

“Shotgun!” The Scot quips excitedly. 

“You’re the only one in the car…”

“Still counts” she beams at Christen and she can’t help but smile at her friend, which was exactly Rachel’s intention. 

“One of these days I am going to make you start driving us to and from games and practices.”

“Don’t know about that one, Pressie. BMW isn’t quite as keen on giving me a new car each season. And until I get that very sought after citizenship and then a spot on the national team, looks like you’ll be my chauffeur.”

Christen laughs once again as the two players reach said BMW and climb in to make the drive to their apartment. The drive is comfortable and light, the two hardly talking soccer, and before they know it, Christen is putting the car in park. 

“Shit, Rach, did we leave the lights on?”

Christen can’t help but notice light shining through the drawn curtains that cover their living room. 

“I’ve certainly done it before, but I am near positive I shut them off before we left. Must have forgot. Sorry about that one.” 

Rachel leads them into the apartment, as Christen lags behind, “I told Tobin i would call her but I didn’t realize how late we would be getting in.” She calls up to her roommate who has already made her way into their apartment. 

“I’m pretty sure she’s awake.” Corsie called back. 

Christen finally catches up and is crossing over the threshold with her face in her phone, scrolling to Tobin’s contact and pushing to call the girl, “I don’t know. I’m sure Marc crushed them at training.” She says as she clenched the phone between her shoulder and ear and looked into the room. 

Her jaw drops as she sees not only her roommate, but her beaming girlfriend, holding up her cell phone showing her own contacting ringing through. 

“Do you still need me to answer this?” Tobin jokes lightly as Christen seems to finally register what’s going on. 

She can’t help the tears welling in her eyes and the tightness in her throat, “Tobin…”

The two national team teammates get lost in each other’s eyes, both glued to their spot. 

“Right, that’s my cue. Night love birds” Corsie says with a grin, “Welcome back, Heath.” 

“Thanks, Corsie.”

“Night, Rach.”

As soon as Rachel turned the corner, Christen launches herself into Tobin’s arms and peppers kisses all over the older woman’s face and hair. She inhales deeply, letting Tobin’s ever familiar smell overwhelm her senses. It’s sandalwood, mint gum, and home. 

“You’re amazing” Christen breathes against her girlfriends neck. She feels Tobin’s body shake in a small laugh. 

“I only am because of you” she responds quickly. A phrase the midfielder picked up every time Christen compliments her. 

“I have so many questions about why you’re here, how you got here, how i got so lucky to love you, but I really don’t care. Just tell me how long we have?” 

It’s evident to Christen that Tobin senses some urgency in her tone, “I have a mid morning flight on Monday, back in time for training. You have me for the next 30 plus hours.”

Christen thinks momentarily and decides they have some time before they need to dive into a deep conversation. Her eyes hood momentarily as she drags her girlfriend into her bedroom.

Over an hour and a few orgasms later, the two women lay in Christen’s room. A single sheet is lightly draped over them, the fairy lights strung around the edges of the room the only light source, and Tobin’s hand lightly dragging up and down her spine is all Christen can feel.

“How are your spirits, my love” Tobin’s voice, slightly scratchy from lack of use and most likely a case of dry mouth from her output in bed, breaks the comfortable silence.

Christen hums and presses a few kisses to Tobin’s bare chest, “Much lighter. Thanks to you.” She wraps her arm tightly around Tobin’s waist and adjusts her position beside the woman so she can squeeze her tightly, “Thank you so much for being here. I can’t begin to explain how much this means to me. I needed this. More than you know, I needed this.” Christen’s clear green eyes peer up at her girlfriends brown ones, trying to impress upon her the importance of this surprise visit. 

Once again, Tobin reads her girlfriend, “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”

“Whose head are you calling little? I went to Stanford, need I remind you.”

Tobin chortles, “Yeah, yeah, yeah...okay, Ms. Advocate of Nerd Nation. Please, extrapolate on your feelings.”

Christen sits herself up and leans against her headboard, suddenly very aware she is very naked. “I think this conversation requires a shirt.” Her eyes dart over to her Tobin who is also now sitting up, “for both of us.”

“A clothed conversation? Now you’re making me nervous.”

Christen knows that on the surface Tobin is kidding, but sees a little anxiety behind her eyes.

Two shirts are tossed onto the bed from the dresser, “I find you very distracting and I want to make sure I don’t jumble over my words and mean to say “best” and accidentally say “breast.”

A warm smile crosses Tobin’s face as she reaches out and yanks a t-shirt over her head “Distraction neutralized, baby.”

Christen sits back down and takes a deep breath, before grabbing Tobin’s hand between both of hers “So this heaviness I’ve been feeling.”

“We’ve been feeling.”

“Right, we’ve been feeling, it’s made me really think about our situation and our relationship and what I want moving forward.”

Christen looks at Tobin to try to gauge any type of reaction, but per usual, her girlfriend is intent on listening and taking in everything Christen has to say.

“And, well I guess, I mean. We knew this was going to be really hard, but I assumed eventually it would just get easier.” Christen shrugs and looks up at the ceiling before gather her words, “That we would get used to being away from each other and our routine would be something that became comfortable and easy. And, it just hasn’t gotten easier, and I hate that it’s not easier. I just always thought I needed it to be easier.”

She registered Tobin’s breath pick up and before she could go on the midfielder spoke out almost frantically, “I’ll visit here more. I will talk to Marc about changing my schedule around, so I can be here more. I will come right to LA after season, so you’re doing less traveling. I will make it easier, Chris just don’t rush into any decision. Don’t end this. We can make it easier, I promise.” 

“Wow, wow, wow” she reached out and placed one of her hands over Tobin’s heart, while still gripping the other, trying to still her. “Tobin, breathe, my love. I love you so much, ending this is the furthest thing from my mind. I am so sorry your mind went there.”

“No, I’m sorry. I have been feeling heavy too, and I guess I am just anxious. I just miss you all the time and I am always on edge when you’re not around. I am sorry. Go on. I am okay.” Her hand is pulled up to Tobin’s mouth for a few kisses.

Christen takes another deep breath, “And, then today I realized that it’s not easy and it’s not comfortable because what we are doing is so worth it. You’re worth all of this, and if I was comfortable being apart from you then something would be wrong. But I know the only time I will ever be comfortable is when I never will be without you. And that’s what I want.”

“What’s what you want.”

“You.”

“You have me.”

“I never want the option of being without you, Tobin. I want to marry you.” The words come so easily. Christen knew, and she knew Tobin felt the same way, that what they had was real, but marriage wasn’t really something they talked about...ever. Moving in, sure. Finding teams closer together, always. But marriage was kind of the unspoken. So it surprised her how easily the words just flew out of her mouth, that she couldn’t help but say them again. “Yeah, Tobin, I want to marry you.” 

“Wait, are you asking…”

“Oh, no. That’s your job when the time is right” Christen replies with a wink, “I just needed you to know that what we are here, well this is forever for me.”

She finds Tobin’s eyes in the dim light of her room, and sees tears welling in the pools of brown, and before she knows it a warm mouth is on her own and both their cheeks are streaked with tears. Whose? They aren’t sure, but they are happy tears. Tobin is the first one to pull away from the kiss, and Christen can’t help but lightly wipe away the tears falling down her love’s cheeks.

“I don’t want forever if it’s not with you, Chris.”

And just like that, both women felt the heaviness drift away.


End file.
